3. Sleep Is For The Weak

My offspring must think I am some form of highly evolved robotic energy source that has zero need for consistent sleep. Currently, I feel as though I got thrown backwards down a well filled with peanut butter and cacti fronds, because last night was a new level of awful. The little creature had me up at least 20 times and I say that with no exaggeration (tough as that may be to believe because of my peanut butter comment). She's 14 months old and I have had 2 full nights of sleep since the day she was born. At this moment, all the wonder moms who have angelic children who slept through the night from when they were 17 minutes old will be frowning and twitching at what must be my terrible mothering. Yes, I've tried chamomile tea. Yes, I've tried gripe water. Yes, I've tried no stimulating activities before "bedtime". Yes, I've tried everything. But thank you in advance for your suggestions that helped your angel child to sleep so wonderfully from the millisecond they were born. 

Allow me to explain what life is like for those of us who don't have perfect sleepers and who aren't perfect mothers. You know when a photograph is blurry? Well, that's how most days feel when you have a challenging sleeper. I personally survive by imbibing a barrel or two of coffee, and then munching on anything carby as though I were a truffle pig foraging for that all important bit of culinary gold. I am painfully aware that I should be eating green vegetables, staying away from sugar and jogging. I would like to take this moment to mention that even those super skinny people who gym, have 12 pack stomach muscles and eat kale for breakfast still die. I will just come to my point of ending being a happier human due to my excessive sugar consumption. (Thank you in advance, again, for all the articles I will get sent on why sugar is bad for me, how coffee makes everything worse and how I should be drinking green tea and vegetable smoothies. God bless you for your kindness.) 

I digress. Life is blurry without sleep. I am intensely grateful for Mac makeup, because it gives the illusion that I'm not a zombie wandering around aimlessly wishing for somewhere quiet to curl up into the fetal position and gently rock myself to and fro. It's really tough to be cheerful with your child, read 37 books, sing, dance, cabaret, explain the complete history of humanity and be the ultimate kindergarten teacher when you're more like a sleep deprived sloth than Wonder Woman. Every day you think, "Today I will do better!" And then 10am comes and you realize that today isn't the day you turn your small human into a musical virtuoso. Instead, you put on Paw Patrol again and stare glass-eyed at the tv whilst wishing you could fix everything like Ryder does. Incidentally, I really am happy that the pups saved the sea turtles. 

This is a shout out to all the moms like me who are struggling to keep their heads above water - it's super easy to drown when you're so viciously sleep deprived. In case no one has told you this today : you are doing an amazing job. You're keeping the little humans alive and you are more than enough. In case you also get a little down when looking at the instagram accounts of all the perfect moms, I'm here to hopefully let you smile in the manicness and to remind you that you're fantastic! (Now we know why sleep deprivation is such an effective menthod of torture. All along I thought the Japanese were the original thinkers of such a concept.)